Insecurity

this morning i have been praying into a weakness of mine: insecurity. it's the darndest thing that no matter how i much "know" i am loved, accepted and affirmed, many days i awake to a tangible sense of broken incompleteness. i am not yet who i want to be and everything inside me aches at this reality. the way this insecurity is primarily exposed is when something that i'm leaning on--to give me a sense of security--is taken away or questioned. for me, one of the primary sources of security is my sense of calling--what i feel i'm good at. in short, one of my primary insecurities revolves around my job. therefore, when i feel un-affirmed in the work i am doing, or in the particular contributions i'm making to my work...my insecurities are emboldened to cry out. but how many of us, at times, have felt this same lack of

as i drove into work today i stopped by jiffy lube to get my oil changed, and as i waited a man came in wearing a UFC hat. for those of you who do not know this, UFC is the abbreviation for Ultimate Fighting Championship, which is a very violent sport growing in popularity by the millions of millions of fans and billions of dollars being spent to consume t-shirts, hats, sports drinks, and the events where we watch two people attempt to beat the other into unconsciousness. that said, i engaged the man in a conversation and discovered that he himself was not only a fan but a fighter, and his particular specialty was ninjutsu. he told me his sport was particularly unique because it focused--not on striking--but on submission. the art of ninjutsu was 'wrestling' primarily on the ground in order to defuse a fight. what was even more interesting was that unlike karate where the student must take tests to earn their way to ever increasing belts (white, orange, red, blue, black etc.), in ninjutsu the student does not earn their belt by a test but by the day by day application of the art of wrestling. as the student learns to apply the techniques the master is teaching the student, the master bestows the increasing belt upon the student as the master sees fit. the belt is not a reward for passing a test, but a mantle signifying that the student has become like the master in the day to day art.

i left the jiffy lube realizing that this summarizes the human journey. we all have something we lean on for security, some measurement by which we access our worth, whether it is our job, our outward appearance, our car, the amount of our paycheck, the number of friends we have on facebook, the affirmation of certain individuals and the list goes on. however, until we've wrestled with this human weakness and centered ourselves solely in the spiritual life we will be without the true source of our security. unlike the constantly unstable crutches we lean on to find security, our Creator is unchanging. and when we focus our worth (and our work) on the immutable truth that we are loved simply, as a parent loves their children, we discover our security isn't something we can earn...only something we can accept as a forgiven son and daughter of the Most High.

what if, instead of fighting and striving for significance today, each one of us chose instead practice the art of submission? and what if, when we were done wrestling with our own weakness, we quietly surrendered to our beloved-ness?

whether you believe in God or not, He believes in and loves you. He knows you are in denial, stubborn, selfish, and resistant to anything outside what you currently think you know. the good news is, He'll wait patiently to secure you--even if it will take you wrestling with Him until you accept His reality and His unchanging love for you.