i don't love you

have you ever said those words to someone? have you ever had someone say these words to you?

"i don't love you..."

i cannot think of one more painful sentence.

i've been listening to a new song called 'poison and wine' by the civil wars, and the refrain begins with, "i don't love you." it resonates deeply within my core...i can't stop listening, and i think i'm starting to understand...

like a disciplined kid in reactive anger discovering the power to hurt mom with four short words, i hear my own inner dialogue--everyday. the love i want the most is the love i push away the most. it's that short word i speak in response to her gentle conversational question. that afterwork project i just won't put down, instead of sitting together and soaking up her laugh. everyday, i say "i don't love you..."

life pulls me forward: i'm stuck dwelling on the past.

i miss the present.
i miss her.
i miss love.

i'm striving for the one thing i can't hold onto. i'm reaching out for someone who i will distance myself from, over and over again. oh, the longing...

the truth is, 'i don't love you,'
but,
'i always will'.

i always will keep reaching for you, even when i shut down and turn my back. i always will comfort you with the same pair of hands that have neglected to serve you. i always will pour out words nourishing life after i have spilled the toxic speak crushing your spirit.

i always will
love you.